i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
