you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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