I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
