all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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