I could have mohawked her pubes.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
