My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
