My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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