I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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