I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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