you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
