State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
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