Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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