I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
