I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
