I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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