This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Randomize
