i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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