Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
