just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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