Slut skills are useful in every country.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
