For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
