census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
