I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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