ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
