The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We had to coat check the pizza.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
