in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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