Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
