Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
