you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
