he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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