marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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