Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
