What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
they're like a gay fantastic four
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
