I got chris browned last night
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
