whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
