she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
