this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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