got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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