Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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