i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I AM VODKA MAN
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
