So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
