Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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