It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
