Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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