my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
