I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
