I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
