I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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