checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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