I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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