I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
