Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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