is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
