Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
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I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize