just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
