Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
should my penis look like a turkey
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
