Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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