The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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